He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
