my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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