On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
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