The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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