Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
