I skipped work to stalk him.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
