Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
