this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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