stop calling my apartment porn island.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
