2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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