I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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