Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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