Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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