No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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