I haven't been this sober since birth.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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