If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
