Reggie can tackle my bush.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
