She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
