I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I want to fling myself into the sun
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
