Can i not drive my cunt home
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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