i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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