the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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