i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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