I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I am one with the molecules
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
