is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
