I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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