I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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