Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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