I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And then my night got REAL pukey
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
