last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
