My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
