Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
