Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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