New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
