If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
