Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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