So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
