I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
