I am midnight drunk by noon
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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