im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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