Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
