I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
