Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
