Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
it glows. i had to have it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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