Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
