John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Drake has all the answers
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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