Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
