Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
