he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
