The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Randomize
