arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
