At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
